


I Get Afraid Of Losing My Way

by HopeCoppice



Series: Falling From Grace [7]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley Has A Vulva (Good Omens), Crowley Has Issues (Good Omens), Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), F/M, Genderfluid Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Sexual Content, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:34:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeCoppice/pseuds/HopeCoppice
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale have one night away from Grace, and find that there's more to be done than simply warding the cottage against Satan.Doesn't stand alone without the rest of Falling From Grace, sorry!
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Falling From Grace [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1437601
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Right. Don't know if this is rated right, because it's not particularly erotic or the most explicit thing I've ever seen, but sex is a major factor here so. Be warned. Also, Crowley is working through some trauma here so that's also a major thing.
> 
> If you don't want to read this one, feel free to skip onto the next story in the series - you shouldn't miss anything major that this note hasn't already sort of explained. That should come soonish.
> 
> And now I'm posting the whole thing before I freak out and rewrite it again or decide to get rid of this chapter altogether. Enjoy!

It was hard to focus on the wards they were setting around the house, at first. As the sun slipped below the horizon, Crowley’s concentration slipped too, and something sparked in the air.

“Crowley.” She ignored him, ignored the stinging in her eyes as she undid her mistake, tried again, more precise, stronger. The protections she was laying on her home had to be strong, they had to be perfect. They had to protect Grace. They had to protect Aziraphale.

They had to protect her, too.

“Crowley, stop.” She hesitated, one hand still raised to set another sigil into the stones of the cottage wall.

“We don’t have time-”

“Please. Please stop. We have time. I just need- please.”

Crowley blessed silently; of _ course _Aziraphale needed comfort, too, and she was pushing him away. She turned and gathered him into her arms, and Aziraphale clung to her.

“She’ll be all right,” she assured him, even though she was worrying too, and he shook his head.

“I know she will. It doesn’t stop me worrying, I’m afraid. But what about you, Crowley? Are you all right?”

“I’m… yeah, I’m- I don’t know. I’m worried about Grace, and… and there’s something I didn’t tell you about, before. About the other day.”

“With him?” Aziraphale drew back a fraction so that he could meet her eyes through her sunglasses. “I knew- I _ thought _there was something. What haven’t you told me, dearest?”

“I couldn’t. Not in front of Grace, it didn’t seem… I told you he thought I wanted him when I had Eve-shaped parts.”

“You did,” Aziraphale confirmed, obviously afraid of what she might say next. “You said he didn’t touch you.”

“He didn’t. Only- only he _ changed _ me. To the way he liked. I thought- I was afraid- and he just _ did _it, just took control of my corporation like that, and it- he thought that meant I was his, like he thought that belonged to him.”

“Of course it doesn’t-”

“Only he’s right.” Aziraphale’s jaw dropped, his mouth forming a little _ o _ of shock, and Crowley shook her head. “Not about me wanting him, not about any of it, really, but… he is the only one who’s ever- I’ve never- _ you’ve _never-”

“That doesn’t matter, Crowley. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

“But- it does to me. I realised… I don’t even wear those parts any more because of him, I’ve only ever shared them with him, it’s as if I’ve been keeping them for him- I haven’t, that’s not what it is,” she interrupted herself to clarify, and Aziraphale nodded slowly, obviously bewildered. “I just- I don’t want there to be a part of me that’s only his. I don’t want to keep any part of me from _ you_.” She could hear the desperation in her voice, and she hated herself for it, but Aziraphale only took her hands into his own and squeezed gently.

“How can I help you feel better?”

“Would you-? I mean. If I… changed… would you make me- it- yours?”

Aziraphale let go of one hand and used the other to lead her indoors, snapping his fingers to set a hot cup of tea in front of each of them as they sat down at the kitchen table.

“My dearest Crowley,” he told her, “I would do anything for you. But I don’t want to get something wrong and cause you harm. I would never want to do that. So I’m afraid I need you to be quite clear about what you want from me.”

“I want,” Crowley ground the words out through gritted teeth; this was mortifying. “I want to change my Effort. And I want you to see it. Touch it. F-”

“I will do any and all of those things, and gladly, my dear, but I assure you that I will be touching _ you_, not _ it. _ And only if you truly want me to.”

“I do- but- we don’t have time- the wards-”

“If you want,” Aziraphale repeated patiently, “we have time. If you’d rather do it another time, or later, that’s-”

“No, I- that is, if you’re willing- if we really have time, I’d like to do it now. Before-” Before she could lose her nerve, before they had to go back to being parents and trying to be in control of their lives. “-before we finish the wards,” she concluded, and Aziraphale nodded as if he’d followed that.

“Come, then, love. Let’s go to bed.” And he squeezed her hand, and led her upstairs.

She half expected him to start undressing her right away, but he sat on the bed and gently pulled her down to sit facing him.

"You don't have to do this," he told her, and waved off her attempts to argue with him. "I know. I know you want to, and I understand why, but I want to be very clear that you can change your mind at any time and I'll stop. Promise you'll tell me?" Crowley nodded, and Aziraphale took a deep breath. "And I want to apologise in advance, if… if I'm not very skilled. I don't have much… well, _ any_ experience with that sort of equipment."

She felt herself turn pale; she'd never thought to wonder if Aziraphale would _ want _this part of her.

"You don't have to-"

"You misunderstand me, dear. I _ know _ I don't have to, but I am quite willing - even eager - to explore this part of you. I only worry that I'll disappoint you, Crowley, or that doing this will hurt you _ more." _

She didn't know what to say to that, so she kissed him instead.

When they broke apart, he took the lead.

“Have you changed yet, dearest?” She shook her head. “Then perhaps if we get you undressed, first? No need to rush into it.” He waited for her nod before gently, methodically removing each item of her clothing until she was bare before him, shivering slightly. He gazed at her with all the love he always showed her, and she felt the air around her warm slightly even as her skin prickled. “Beautiful,” Aziraphale murmured, guiding her down to recline against the pillows, and it sounded like a promise, from his lips. “You’re so beautiful, my love.” But he could see that she was nervous; she wasn’t hard, and he could see that, too. “All right?”

“Yeah. This was the easy bit,” she pointed out, and he shook his head.

“Let’s take it slowly, then. May I touch you, like this?”

“Oh, I wish you would.”

He knew what to do; his hand slipped downwards and his lips followed, a trail of burning heat from her mouth down to her hips, and then-

“May I-?”

“Please-” He pressed a gentle kiss to her member - now showing substantially more interest in the proceedings - and then his mouth enveloped her, hot and wet and exactly how she liked it. She let out a low keening sound that seemed to encourage the angel- but then he drew back with a gentle hum that had her whole body trembling.

“I know you want to change. And I appreciate that it might be a bit much, with my mouth there. It would be a bit much for _ me, _ too. So if- when you’re ready- just let me know.” He lowered his head again, and Crowley knew it would be easy to just let him carry on, to go on and make her see stars, make her _ feel _the stars. It sounded wonderful, but it wasn’t what she needed from him tonight.

“Angel-” she reached down and touched his cheek, and he took the hint, tracing those burning kisses back up her body again until he was looking into her eyes, faces level. “OK. Here goes nothing-” She locked her eyes on his, focusing all her power into the lower regions of her corporation, and felt herself _ shift_. Aziraphale must have noticed her mouth falling open, her eyes widening as she tried to adjust to the feeling of entirely different genitalia, but he kept his own attention firmly on her face as she carefully considered her own emotions. She’d expected the fear to kick in by now, now that she’d changed, but she felt fine. It was just her body, after all, just a slightly different shape to her corporation.

“With me?” Aziraphale asked her softly, and she nodded.

“Would you- would you look?”

“If you’d like me to,” her angel assured her, “of course I will. More than happy to look at you, always.” She kept her eyes on his face as he drew back to regard her corporation as a whole, so she could tell there was nothing dishonest or calculated about his warm smile as he looked at her. “Beautiful, Crowley. As beautiful as ever, you are _ always _so beautiful.” 

That was good; she released a breath she hadn’t even meant to hold as she realised that she’d needed to hear that exact sentiment. This wasn’t Satan, it was Aziraphale; he wasn’t saying that this was _ better, _ that he wanted this from her in future, he was just happy to be with _ her. _Emboldened, she managed a hint of a seductive smirk.

“Want to touch?”

“If I may-” He seemed relieved, too, reaching eagerly to run a hand up from her knee to her thigh- and her brain kicked into overdrive. _ You know my preference, _ Satan’s voice whispered, _ this is perfect. _

“Stop,” she whimpered, and he drew his hand back as if she’d burned it. “No- wait- I can-”

“If you want me to stop, or back off a bit,” Aziraphale told her, “I can, I will. It’s not a problem.”

“No- I need to-” She needed to do this; she also needed Aziraphale to back off for a moment. “Yeah. Just- just for a- kiss me?”

“Gladly.” He moved back up her body to claim her lips, tangling his hand in her hair the way he knew she liked. "You've been so brave, dear," he told her as they broke apart, and she shook her head. She wasn’t ready to give up yet.

"Please- please touch me."

He didn’t oblige straight away, lowering his head to kiss her neck, and then to lavish attention on her chest, always sensitive. Sparks of pleasure shot through her, disrupting the fear for a few brief moments, and then she felt his hand on her thigh again, just resting, clearly waiting for further permission. She dared a glance down at him, meeting his eyes, and nodded.

“Yes- just- keep looking at me. Please keep looking at me-”

“I love to look at you,” he told her, “it’s no hardship.” And, eyes still trained on her face, he began to slowly move his hand up her thigh. It felt good- _ this is what he wants, total possession of you- _ Aziraphale wasn’t Satan, he wasn’t possessive and cruel, this was what _ she _wanted.

“Go on,” she murmured, and gasped as his fingers brushed over her.

“Is this-?”

“More,” she demanded, and felt him begin to trace gentle, careful patterns between her legs. It felt like being struck by lightning[1]; her whole body felt full of sparks. “Oh, _ Somebody.” _

“Quite,” Aziraphale whispered, “I quite agree.” He didn’t take his eyes off of hers for a moment, even as the movement of his fingers became more confident, more focused, and Crowley writhed against his hand.

“In- inside-” she told him, knowing she was wet enough, and he obliged with a single finger. He was so careful with her, he always was- _ he took everything from you, he’ll take it again- _ it was Aziraphale, she reminded herself, blinking furiously to get her eyes to focus on him, it was Aziraphale and he would never hurt her- _ thought that before- _ and he was drawing back, brow furrowed, and she’d disappointed him somehow. “No, go on-”

“Crowley, I’m not blind, my dear. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Please don’t- don’t leave me, please don’t hurt me-”

“Never, my love. I will _ never _do either of those things.”

“Then-” Ashamed of her weakness, she clutched at his hand, tried to guide it down, but she was a nervous wreck and Aziraphale really _ wasn’t _blind.

“No, Crowley, wait. We need a moment.”

“I don’t-”

“_I _ need a moment,” he amended firmly, and Crowley stilled, releasing his hand. She could force herself through any number of hardships, but she would never force Aziraphale. 

He came to lie beside her, gathering her into a warm embrace, and she clung to him. His shirt felt rough against her bare skin, and she was suddenly very aware that he was still fully clothed, and that she wasn’t. It should have made her feel vulnerable - it did, a little - but mostly it made her feel cared for. Aziraphale had made no attempt to satisfy his own needs, only hers.

“Crowley, my love,” the angel began quietly, after a few still, silent moments of cuddling, “I will never leave you, unless you want me to, and I’ll certainly never hurt you if I can help it. If you want to stop this… this very brave experiment, I won’t mind. I won’t be upset.”

“I will,” Crowley admitted, “if I let myself down. I want to give this - this last part of me - to you.”

“And you have, Crowley, and you’re wonderful, but I don’t want to push you too far.” He was absent-mindedly running his hand through her hair as he spoke. “You certainly don’t have to do this all at once.”

“I do,” she argued softly, “or I won’t ever-”

“And that’s all right.” Her angel ran his hand down to her cheek, making sure she looked him in the eyes. “That’s not a problem, not for me.”

“But I want-” She closed her eyes to hide her embarrassment. “I want you.”

“Hmm. And I you, my love. You could change back, if you like.” She flinched, afraid he was rejecting her current form, and he shook his head. “If _ you _like, Crowley. Otherwise… is there anything that might help you remember that this is me? Anything he didn’t do, or…? I don’t know, Crowley, I’m afraid you’ll have to guide me here. What would feel safe to you?”

Crowley closed her eyes for a moment, thinking, and instantly regretted it as she lost her grip on where she was - until Aziraphale gently guided her head to rest on his shoulder, her nose pressed to the juncture of his neck and his shoulder, and suddenly the scent of him cut through all the tainted memories of the things she and Satan had done.

“Would you be naked, too?” It was barely a whisper, but before the words were even fully out she felt the rush of a miracle and then bare skin beneath her cheek. “Oh- and- he never- you don’t have to.”

“I don’t,” Aziraphale agreed cheerfully, “don’t have to what?”

“Not very imaginative, so he never- but the humans do it- I- would you-?” She couldn’t. It was too mortifying to ask, and she was almost certain he’d refuse. This wasn’t _ his _ preference, after all, and so far he’d managed to keep her new parts at arm’s length. But Aziraphale guided her back from where she was trying to hide her face in his neck, so he could meet her eyes. He kissed her gently, and she couldn’t contain a choked, needy sort of noise. “That,” she whispered, “but _ there.” _

“Oh, Crowley - gladly.” And before she could worry that she’d asked for the wrong thing, he’d rolled her onto her back and was kissing his way down her body until she shivered at the sensation of hot breath between her legs.

“Yes?” She chanced a look down at him and had to turn her face back up to the ceiling before she could discorporate.

“Please-”

Aziraphale was cautious at first, tentatively flicking his tongue over her skin like the snake she sometimes was. It didn’t matter; the moment he made contact she arched her back and _ hissed_, trying to contain the sudden rush of sensation. Glancing down, she saw worried blue eyes meet hers, holding her gaze for just long enough to be certain that she was enjoying herself, and then her vision blurred as he set to work in earnest. Crowley writhed, pleasure overwhelming her, and Aziraphale had to grab her hips to keep her still.

“Not trying to trap you, my dear,” he murmured, “but a broken nose is hardly sensual.”

“Angel-” Her hand found its way to his hair as he continued, sensation lapping at her like waves on the shore until she was certain she’d be washed away in the torrent. “Angel, I’m- oh-”

Aziraphale’s affirmative hum against her skin was her undoing; she shuddered and cried out until, at last, she had to urge him out from between her legs, overstimulated nerves protesting the loss despite themselves.

Her angel came back to lie beside her, took her in his arms and held her until her breathing evened out a little.

“How was that, my dear?”

“Don’t fish for compliments,” she teased, “it was perfect. Incredible. You’re a natural.”

“Well.” He was blushing; she kissed him, tasting herself on his lips, and he blushed deeper still. “Thank you; that’s most gratifying. I’m glad- but I meant, how do you feel?”

“Good,” she assured him. _ Now you owe him. He’ll want something in return. _ No; that wasn’t how Aziraphale thought. _ He’ll want to use your body, take everything that’s yours. He’ll take everything from you. _It didn’t even make any sense, this poison her mind was trying to feed her. “Better, before I could think again,” she admitted.

“Ah. What thoughts are troubling you?”

“That now I owe you one, and that means you get to take whatever you want.”

“Crowley.” He said it as if he was soothing a frightened animal, and in a way she supposed he was. “You owe me nothing. If you want to change back now, I won’t mind in the slightest.”

“Don’t you want to get off?” She glanced pointedly at the hard length of him pressed against her leg, and he shifted away. That wasn’t what she meant; she didn’t know what she meant.

“I, ah- well, I _ would _ like to…” He blushed, averting his gaze. “-to get off, as you so charmingly put it- but I certainly don’t _ insist _ on it. It’ll pass, or- if you’d like, I can excuse myself a moment and-”

“No,” Crowley heard herself whimper, and blessed internally. She hadn’t meant to sound so pathetic.

“I’d come back, my love, but of course if you’d rather I stay-”

“Will you- will you let me take care of it for you?”

She hadn’t realised she truly wanted it until the words were out, and Aziraphale’s startled eyes met her own.

* * *

[1] This had happened to Crowley twice in the past, notably while trying to work out how the humans were doing the fiddly bits at the top of the Tower of Babel. Once the recorporation paperwork was filled in, Crowley had been convinced the strike had caused some kind of brain damage, because nobody was saying anything that made sense, but it turned out that had actually been Her doing. [return to text]


	2. Chapter 2

“Will you- will you let me take care of it for you?”

Crowley looked as surprised by her own words as Aziraphale felt. He took a moment to be angry with his own corporation for reacting so enthusiastically to the idea; he would never _ not _ want Crowley, regardless of the form she’d taken. But Crowley was vulnerable, was doing her best to fight her own mind, and he refused to let her fall on her sword - or _ his_, for that matter - because she thought it was the only way to win that battle.

“Crowley, you really don’t need to-”

“I want to- please. Let me take care of you. You’re not him-”

“No, I’m not. And this,” he assured her, with a vague downwards gesture that took in all the changes to her corporation, “is very nice, but it’s not- I don’t need that from you, Crowley. You could change it back and I’d be just as happy, you could will it away altogether and it wouldn’t matter. I do enjoy making love with you, Crowley, but I love _ you_.”

Crowley blinked hard several times, an unconscious mannerism that Aziraphale had, over the years, come to interpret as _ overwhelmed and trying to resist turning into a snake to escape emotions. _He was prepared, then, for her to retreat, to change her form, or to ask him to leave the room. He wasn’t quite expecting her to push him onto his back and move over him for a kiss.

“If I wanted it,” Crowley whispered as she pulled away, “if I want it, do you?”

“It’s getting h- _ difficult _ to think of anything else,” Aziraphale admitted. She was so close, and she was all but straddling him - no, she _ was _ straddling him, and he could feel the heat of her just inches from his very erect member. “If you wan- oh, _ please, _Crowley-”

These last words were coaxed from him as her fingers wrapped around his length, stroking gently a couple of times before she lined herself up and lowered herself down. 

Aziraphale wanted to hold her gaze, to make sure she was all right, but his eyes rolled back in his head as she slid down onto him, as he sank into her. They had made love so many times, and she never failed to utterly ruin him. This time was no exception - but it was _ different, _and that mattered. He fought to lift his head from the pillows, to try to get a look at Crowley’s face, but her head was thrown back, teeth bared in pain or pleasure as she finally seated herself. He hadn’t expected her to take him all the way in one go. He had barely begun to ready her, before; surely it must be painful, or even frightening, and she might even now be fighting the insidious whispers in her head-

“Sssstop thinking,” she hissed, “and ssssstay still.” He hadn’t even realised that his hips had been twitching upwards in miniscule rolling movements. He stilled them, took her hand by way of apology.

“I’m sorry. How are you?”

“Jussssst fine, angel. Need a sssecond. To adjussst.” She looked down at him and a tiny, stifled moan escaped her; he wondered what he must look like, trapped between her thighs and utterly devoted to whatever she might do next. “Can you- can you talk?”

“I’m not so easily rendered speechless,” he assured her, though forming full sentences was immediately made more difficult as she shifted a little on top of him. “You- what- about?”

“Anything.” She lifted herself a fraction and moaned softly. “Just- your voice-”

“Might- just be- cursing,” he warned, and she smiled, raising herself up until he feared she was about to uncouple them altogether - which was her right, of course, but he didn’t want to be separated, not yet. “You’re so beautiful-”

“Flatterer,” she chided gently, and he had to curl his free hand into the bedsheets to ground himself as she began to ride him. She had all the control, here; she had chosen that, had told him to stay still, and he would do his very best to respect that.

“No,” he told her earnestly, “flattery exaggerates the v- _ oh- _ the _ virtues _ of the s- s- _ subject _ and you- _ oh, please, do that again- _defy exaggeration. My perfect Crowley.” He worried, for a moment, that she might panic over the possessive pronoun, but she only moaned and moved faster, untangling his hand from the sheets to place it on her own hip. Cautiously, he thrust upward to meet her next downward movement, and the noise she let out was so obviously pleased that he did it again.

“Crowley,” he groaned as they gathered speed, “I can’t last much longer-”

“No, nor me- oh-” But Crowley was tiring; he could see her expending a little more effort every time she lifted herself up. He let go of her hip to circle the tender spot between her legs with his thumb, and she trembled around him.

“Still good?”

“Still g- so- so close-” It was almost a whimper. “Be on top?” 

He hesitated, afraid she might feel trapped, but he nodded minutely and she snapped her fingers. In a moment, he found himself leaning over her, her back flat against the mattress as her eyes fluttered closed, their bodies still joined. 

“Please-”

“Yes, my love, my dear, my Crowley, my everything-” He couldn’t contain himself; she was beautiful beneath him, and she felt so good around him, and she was making sweet, urgent noises in response to his every movement. “I-” He spilled inside her, her legs coming to wrap around him, keeping him there even as his vision blurred, and he felt her whole body tense and then relax in answer.

Slowly, they disentangled themselves from one another, and Aziraphale crashed to the mattress beside his lover. From where he’d landed, he could only kiss her shoulder, but she shifted closer so he could claim her lips in one brief, breathless, tender kiss.

“Crowley,” he croaked, then cleared his throat and tried again, “Crowley, that was- that- are you OK?”

She didn’t immediately respond. That wasn’t unusual, in itself - they’d certainly rendered each other speechless plenty of times before - but today, the way she silently curled against his side seemed more significant. Oh, no. She had been vulnerable, and she had trusted him, and he hadn’t taken proper care. He had _ hurt _her.

“Crowley?” He squeezed her hand, where it rested on his chest, and was surprised when she grabbed his in return, long nails digging into soft flesh. This was not the response of a lover to her beloved's touch; this was someone cornered lashing out in self-defence. _ Oh, God. What have I done? _


	3. Chapter 3

Crowley felt Aziraphale kissing her shoulder and rolled over to kiss him properly. She had done it; _ they _had done it, and it felt good. She curled against his side, cherishing the sound of his voice.

"Crowley," she heard, and tried to catch her breath enough to answer. All of her was his, now, no part of her left unclaimed. _ All of you is his, to do with as he likes. To dispose of. To destroy. To betray. _He wouldn't do that; that wasn't who he was. He was still talking, but his voice seemed very far away.

_ Maybe now he's done with you, he'll give you back to Satan, _ the dark corners of her mind whispered. _ He doesn't need you. _ A hand tightened around hers, where it rested on her angel's chest, and for one horrifying moment she knew it was Satan's hand, coming to reclaim her. _ You're a creature of Hell, after all. Even Aziraphale can't stand caring for a demon indefinitely, and you'll be cast back down, and you needn't think you'll still be offered a throne, either. You'll never see your children again. You'll be _ his_, forever. _

A faint, choked noise drew her attention back to the angel at her side, his eyes surprisingly bright and wet- it was _ Aziraphale's_ hand that had taken hers, and _Aziraphale's _hand that she had, apparently, dug her nails into. She released him and scrambled away, surprised when he followed her.

"Crowley. It's all right."

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry, please don't send me back-"

"I'm not sending you anywhere, dear, I promise you that. Please, tell me what's happened."

"I- I don't-" She didn't know what to tell him; she didn't know what had gone wrong. "Please- I don't-" It was Aziraphale, she wasn't afraid of him. She wasn't. Was she?

"Right, fine, not talking just now, that's fine. Here, put this around you." She felt him leave the bed, and then she felt one of their softest blankets slip around her shoulders, felt gentle hands wrap her carefully in it. "What can I do? Er… a cup of tea, perhaps-?"

"Please don't leave me."

“All right.” The answer was hurried, close behind her, another blanket being placed around her. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here.”

She took a deep breath and turned to face him; he reached out towards her cheek and she flinched.

"Sorry. Sorry, I just… you're crying, Crowley. What can I do? There must be something I can do."

"Please," she whispered, "let me change back."

"I’m sorry, dear?"

"I want… permission… to change back," she told him, a little louder, "please."

"Oh- Crowley, you don't need- of course you must change back, if you want to."

Beneath the blanket, she changed her Effort and waited to see if he would change his mind, compel her to change it back.

"Done?" She nodded. "Helping? Would it help if we got dressed, too?"

She thought about it for a moment, then snapped her fingers and felt herself clothed beneath the soft blanket. Aziraphale followed suit, and the tiny part of her mind that still functioned the way it should was briefly disappointed to be robbed of the sight of him.

_ These aren’t your best clothes, _ the voice warned her, _ you should have dressed up. Don’t you want to look nice for your return to Hell? _

“I’m not going to Hell,” she argued, and Aziraphale shook his head.

“No, my dear. No, you’re not. May I- may I sit with you?”

It was _ Aziraphale_. Of course she wanted him to sit next to her. She didn’t understand why the voice in her brain had so abruptly decided that Aziraphale would leave her, would cast her aside… Oh.

“Angel,” she managed, “if- if it came to a choice, between me and Heaven-”

“Already chosen,” Aziraphale reminded her gently. “I chose you. I’ll always choose you.”

“Between- between me and God?” The moment the words were out, she regretted them. “Doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t- I’d never- I’m sorry-”

“I don’t think She’d ever make me choose,” Aziraphale admitted, “and I don’t think you would, by choice, either. But if it came to it, I would choose the one who’s been by my side for the last six thousand years, saving me from scrape after scrape.”

“Her,” Crowley whispered, just as Aziraphale said, “You.”

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Aziraphale made a terrible, heartbreaking movement that looked as though it might have become a hug if he hadn’t been afraid to follow through with it, and Crowley threw herself at him. He wrapped his arms around her and let her sob into his chest until, at last, her breathing began to even out.

“Crowley, my dear… I don’t mind if you can’t explain. But if you _ can _… what’s just happened here?”

“I thought I was going to lose you,” she admitted, “I thought you’d throw me out- I thought-”

It had never really made sense in her head before. She’d told a thousand stories of the reasons for her Fall, but all she’d ever really known was that God had looked at her and found her unworthy of Heaven. Apparently, though, her subconscious had spent 6000 years turning the problem over, and had reached a conclusion. _ This was the last thing you did before you Fell; took an angel inside you as Eve took Adam. This is why you Fell, and you have the audacity to do it again, with another one? _

“I thought nothing divine could want me, now that-”

“Crowley.” Aziraphale cupped her face in his hands to make sure she was looking at him. “If a human woman said this to you, what would you say?”

“Not to be ridiculous,” she told him, without hesitation. “That- sex isn’t a sin, in and of itself, and even if it was, why should she be the only one to carry the stain of it? I’d tell her any man who left her after he’d taken his pleasure was a scoundrel, and her better off- oh.” She met his eyes sheepishly. “But you’re not a scoundrel.”

“I’m an angel. I’m _ your _ angel. And look, I haven’t Fallen, either.”

She peered at him doubtfully for a moment, considering the truth of this, and realised the doubts in her head had fallen quiet, if not quite silent.

“You won’t give me back to him?”

“Crowley, you’re not mine to give or to keep. I can only hope you’ll stay by my side, where you’ve always been, because frankly I’m a bit of a liability on my own.”

“A liability.” She brushed impatiently at the tears still drying on her cheeks. “We should- we need to ward the cottage.”

“And we will. Sleep. For an hour or so, at least,” he insisted, “you’re shaken, and I’m sure you’re exhausted. I’ll stay with you, and then we’ll ward the place to the rafters.”

“You’re not sick of me?” But she settled against his chest before he could answer, knowing he wouldn’t let her down. “Getting all pathetic on you?”

“Crowley, my dear, we’re going to have to work on your self-esteem. I love you, and you have been through horrific things in your life. It’s a wonder you don’t have these wobbles more often. But that’s all they are, wobbles, and you are no less for them. I think no less of you.” He pressed a kiss into her hair. “Sleep. Then we’ll protect the house, and get our little girl back.”

If the sunrise, when it came, found Crowley standing a little closer to her angel than usual as they finished placing the strongest protective measures they could think of on the house, it was polite enough not to comment. If Aziraphale noticed that Crowley stood in the road for several minutes, looking for her car, before remembering that it was still in Lower Tadfield, he didn’t question it. And if Crowley was surprised to find herself pressed into such a tight hug as Aziraphale prepared to transport them both to pick up their daughter, she wasn’t going to complain about that, either.


End file.
